Truth Telling Tuesday: Forgiveness
Happy Tuesday Ribbies!
I woke up this morning in a great space. The topic today is something that I have danced around blogging about for quite some time as I am going through a divorce and have been transitioning into single motherhood for over a year now. Over the past few months, my journey of self-love had become an uphill battle. Especially when trying to co-parent with someone who hurt me deeply over the years. Coming to terms with growing at different stages versus growing together as a couple and as parents was hard for me. Today, I have decided to forgive. To forgive Shomari and more importantly, to forgive me.
Relieving oneself of past hurt is not easy! The struggle is real! After going back and forth this summer, I am freeing myself of the pain and admitting the part I played in my hurt. This is needed to remain on my journey of growth and to be the blended family that I believe we can be for our children.
The season of my husband’s life of being in a relationship and eventually marrying me was not about him being a trustworthy, faithful partner. It was about him being on HIS journey. It just so happen on the way, we gave life to three boys. Shomari is a person first; with his OWN journey. His issues within our relationship did not have anything to do with us ( our children and I). I have to publicly apologize for getting caught up in a title, a label that was only for a season.
The nerve of me for bringing my selfish ideas and slapping them onto a relationship, onto a person who was not put here for me but, to live his own life. Our marriage was just a small part of his journey on this earth. I was all, ”you are my children's father/you are my husband, you need to behave this way so I can feel better about the choice I made to stay with you instead of walking away after getting pregnant with Carmelo.”
Looking for any relationship to fill us is selfish!
Parent/child
Woman/husband
Brother/Sister
Aunt/Niece
Cousin/Cousin
True arrogance is the belief that someone was put here on this earth to make us happy.
Emotional independence is something I work on every single day. It is a huge part of my journey to being anger-free. How can one truly love themselves or anyone else yet have them secluded in a box of ”This is what you should be?” I no longer want to be emotionally dependent on any person or relationship in this lifetime. If you love me, how you decide to treat me is on YOU. That is your choice and a reflection of where you are on your journey. In the same token, if I chose to surround myself with that particular energy is my choice.
Today, I free myself from the emotional baggage that I carried for so many years when I put the onus on my partner to make me happy. The same holds true for family members that I was angry with for not treating me how I felt I should have been treated. Your journey is YOUR journey. May we all grow in love and light.
My self-reflection journey began about five years ago when I decided to read The Fourth and Fifth Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. It was then that I decided to stop taking how people treat me personally. I'm still a work in progress. I often reflect on the role I played in my hurt. Victimizing myself is not the goal here. My journey as a woman is parallel to holding myself accountable, being open, honest and intentional. Everyone is not at that point in their journey. I do know that I am healing because I no longer cry about things like my marriage or my father’s death. I no longer get angry with God for allowing me to go through such experiences. My testimony is for someone and I share it not to bash or to be the victim. We all play a role in that we go through.
The hardest part of forgiving for me is to see behaviors repeated. When you love hard and are an empath, it takes a lot to sit back and watch someone be their own demise.
Beloved, do not forget to grow through what you go through!
Shout out to Inspired by Asia’s 40 Day Journal Challenge and to The Red Table Talk for being tools through this season of growth and journey to becoming a better me.
Xoxo,
Shay Nefeteria